Things I'd do differently as a new mother
We don’t speak about the unpleasant parts of parenting often enough, we need to normalize this.
I look pretty chill in this pic, but I was battling high self-expectations, Mom rage and shame about not being a good Mom.
I look relaxed in this picture, but internally…different story.
As I write this, I’ve been a Mom for a little over a decade, and here’s what I’d do differently. For starters, I would stop trying to be the best mother ever (or even the best I could). I was putting an incredible amount pressure on myself and it did me NO good.
I would stop rushing to Google every single thought that popped into my head, and would trust myself more. I also would have sought help sooner. While I had a nanny helping me when I was in a full time job, when I quit my job and took a break when we moved cities, I thought I didn’t need the help because I was home all day anyway. Bad idea. Taking care of the household and being home all day with a toddler, I used to desperately wait to hand off my sweet daughter to my husband when he’d come home from work at 6pm. I’d desperately crave some quiet and me-time. And instantly feel guilty about feeling that way. There would be days when I’d fly into a rage at my toddler when she would refuse to nap and I would be exhausted. Shame followed soon after the rage. I’d feel horrible.
I wish I had known that Mom rage is a real thing, and I wish I had not shamed myself for it.
Looking back…
I was exhausted. I was resentful. I was unhappy. I hated the fact that I was in a city with no friends, while my husband had a job and colleagues to hang out with. Also, I had set my bar incredibly high, and I kept falling short of my expectations. I was obsessively reading all these blogs and IG posts on gentle parenting and feeling terribly inadequate as a Mom.
Until a few years later, my therapist spoke to me about Good enough parenting, and something clicked. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, I didn’t have to try too hard, BE so hard on myself. I could ease up a little.
And I did. And it made all the difference.
I stopped obsessing about her food intake. I began to make more time for myself. I stopped bottling it up and always trying to keep calm every time I felt like I was going to lose my temper. When I did lose my cool, I apologized to her. I think it also normalized to her that we ALL have big feelings, and we lose it at times. We apologize, and move on.
Slowly I became a much more relaxed mother, and the rage dissipated. I also muted or unfollowed accounts that set the bar way too high (for me), and began to trust myself more.
Today I know I am a good enough mother. Not the best, not perfect, not someone who has it all figured out, but just good enough. And I’m at peace with it.
A page from my sketchbook, when my daughter was about 7 months old. “Some days are longer than the others“, I wrote!
Art journalling was incredibly helpful in being an outlet in the early days. I did the 100-day project with a friend when my daughter was about 10 months old. Read more here.
More self-compassion & support
I cannot say this enough: I wish I had sought help sooner. I wish I had judged myself less as a new Mom, shamed myself less and just been more aware of how incredibly hard I tried to do the best for my daughter. While I know I was constantly trying my best, and I did a great job, in hindsight, I know I would’ve enjoyed the early years of motherhood a little more had I sought more help.
I’d go back and tell the younger me that she was doing great. To stop with the guilt, and that she was doing more than enough. Then perhaps I wouldn’t have grayed so rapidly 😬
Whether you are a new-ish parent, or someone struggling with perfectionism, I want to remind you this:
Good enough is good.
I’m passing on the gift that my therapist gave me all those years ago. Whether you’re a parent, or someone struggling with perfectionism: This is your permission slip to beto be good enough. A good enough friend. Or a good enough daughter perhaps, or a good enough partner or employee. The best is great when you can, but it doesn’t need to be always, especially if it’s burning you out or making you resentful.
My own experience is also why I am keen on supporting new mothers on this journey. And the fact that babies don’t come with a manual. Please share this with anyone who might need this permission or needs to know that Mom rage is a normal thing, and shaming it is going to be of no help. We don’t speak about the unpleasant parts of parenting often enough, we need to normalize this.
Gentle 1:1 support if you’re a new mother, and feeling a little overwhelmed
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